WLTGWITU Chapter 33

I’m divorced. After the divorce, I met a divorced woman in 2017. She has a son who is being raised by the father, and I also have a son with me. We went from acquaintance to love and started living together in April 2019. At that time, I didn’t have a house, but she had a subsidized housing unit. After she got the house and renovated it, I moved into her place. I gave her about 200,000 yuan before and after. This June, I also bought a second-hand house with a 30% down payment, and the subsequent monthly mortgage is about 10,000 yuan. I originally planned to simply renovate it and rent it out for about 3,500 yuan a month. I intended to use half of this rent for her son and half for my son, but she just doesn’t want to. She wants all the rent to go to her son. Her reason is that since he’s with the father, he must live in the father’s house, so the rent naturally belongs to the woman.

But I don’t agree with this. First, I also contributed 200,000 yuan when I lived with her, which included the house renovation, and also some money for her younger brother to buy a house. Second, she didn’t contribute anything when I bought this house. Since it’s the rent from the house, I think it’s fairest for the two sons to each get half. As a last resort, how about we move to the house I just bought? That way, her house can be rented out, and the rent belongs to her, but she still doesn’t want to. I don’t know what to do.

Married for 15 years, the man doesn’t smoke, gamble, or fool around with women. The family has two resettlement houses, without certificates, belonging to the parents-in-law. When the houses were allocated, the man had a share of the area. At my strong request, we bought a commercial house in 2019 (parents-in-law and parents all provided loans, with IOUs, except for my dad’s side, where we didn’t write one), under both the husband and wife’s names. The man’s current monthly salary is around 4.5K.

My own conditions are average. I have a higher education than the man, I earn more money than the man, and I look like I’m in my early 30s, but my actual age is 40+. Since our daughter was born, I’ve basically been the one taking care of her. The man never asked about nighttime breastfeeding and slept like a log. Before she was seven, the number of times the man took the child out to play was very few, and even those times, it was the three of us together, never just him and her. After she started school, everyone took care of the child’s studies, with both sides sharing the time fairly equally. When the epidemic started in 2019, he was idle at home in 2019 and 2020 and spent more time with the child than I did. After that, everyone spent about the same amount of time with the child again.

Today, I was going to take the child to get vaccinated with my Husband. Right before leaving the house, she pooped and it leaked out of her diaper and was all over her back… I quickly cleaned up the child and prepared to put the soiled clothes in the bathroom first, to wash them when I got back. At this time, my Mother-in-law (Husband’s Mother) came upstairs and saw me taking the clothes to the bathroom, and she said, “Just put the clothes in the washing machine, it’ll save you the trouble.”

I was speechless. My Husband bought the washing machine. When he first bought it, I knew how to use it, but later I stopped using it. My parents-in-law throw everything in, wash socks together, don’t want to use laundry detergent, and then blame the washing machine for not cleaning the clothes properly. They say that the semi-automatic washing machines at other people’s houses are better to use.

I thought the child’s clothes had poop on them, and I was afraid of disgusting my Mother-in-law, and also afraid that she would just throw them in the washing machine, so I said to her, “Mom, don’t wash the child’s clothes, I’ll wash them when I get back!”

After saying that, I picked up the child and hurried out the door. As I walked to the door, I shouted upstairs again, “Mom, don’t wash the child’s clothes, wait for me to come back and wash them, don’t wash them!”

When I got home, my Mother-in-law was playing cards with others at the door, and my Husband was taking care of the child. I prepared to go wash the clothes, and when I got to the bathroom and looked, the clothes were gone. They weren’t on the clothes rack downstairs either. I thought! Oh no! They must be in the washing machine.

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Opening the lid of the washing machine, two large pieces of the baby’s clothes were lying alone in the small washing machine. Just these two pieces of clothes, and you still put them in the washing machine to wash, wasting water and electricity! When I took the clothes out to look at them, there was a small yellowish stain. They weren’t cleaned at all. You could tell that she didn’t rub them by hand, just threw them directly into the washing machine! I really wanted to explode!

I took the clothes to the door and asked my Mother-in-law, “Mom, did you wash the child’s clothes?”

“I washed them, I rubbed them by hand,” my Mother-in-law said confidently. I was too embarrassed to call her out in front of so many people, so I showed the auntie at the door the clothes. She looked at them and didn’t say anything, turning her head to continue playing cards!

At this time, my Husband came over, saw me washing clothes, and said, “Didn’t Mom already wash the clothes? Why are you still washing them?”

Does this story mean that his world doesn’t have villages? Reason: The original poster’s trench is too smelly. How old are you? So how old is his friend? Should be working. Moreover, the text mentions that he basically works outside all the time, and only goes home a few times a year. I guess he’s under 30, and he lives in the countryside. Recently, a relative introduced him to a blind date, who is the son of this relative’s best friend. After chatting on WeChat for a few days, he felt okay. You tell me about your family situation, married for a little over 10 years. 2 children, one with each parent’s last name, living with the wife’s parents, who help take care of the children.

Economic situation: Man’s parents 1. The total price of the wedding house was 720,000, and the man’s parents paid 360,000. Loan of 360,000 (sold when buying the current house) (equivalent to the man’s parents paying 360,000). 2. Bride price of 168,800, plus five gold items, and the cost of the wedding banquet, let’s calculate it at 32,000, making a total of 200,000. Total calculation is 560,000. Other expenses such as buying groceries are not included. For the 10+ years of marriage, most of the food for the family has been provided by the man’s parents, with the woman only providing some ingredients, about less than 5%.

Man’s parents, contributed 660,000 to the renovation and repayment of the current house loan, according to the man.

Labor situation, man’s parents: Man’s parents live with the family, responsible for household cleaning and cooking. Responsible for picking up the children from school. Help during the children’s infancy.

Man’s parents: taking care of the younger child + second child, calculate that they helped for 1 year (the younger child for 2 months, the second child for 10 months, the man went to work and took them back to his mother’s house to take care of them).

Current assets of the family: current housing loan of about 860,000 remaining (housing fund loan), monthly payment of about 4,500. Family savings of about 800,000 (managed by the woman, the man only knows approximately).

Historical economic situation, the woman’s total income in 10 years is about 2 million, annual personal consumption calculated at 40,000 a year, 80,000 for the two years, (spent 20,000+ on foot massages, no cheating, 20,000 given to the woman’s mother) (deducting the phone bills, electricity bills, playground fees for the older child, etc. paid by the woman, total calculation of 40,000 for 10 years) a total of about 1.6 million contributed.

The woman’s income is not clear, averaging about 150,000 a year, the woman’s personal consumption is 20,000 a year, totaling about 1.3 million contributed to the family (numbers not tallied, with significant fluctuations).

Man’s point of view, no parking space bought (short 300,000), no second house bought (short 3 million+). No educational fund of 400,000, no medical insurance of 400,000, we still have a shortfall of 4 million+. We haven’t stood up yet. We can’t give our parents money. In order to cope with the coming crisis, we should save as much money as possible, and only loosen our purse strings when the family has a financial gap.

Man’s point of view, we can’t let the future needs make our current standard of living unsatisfactory. Our income is still acceptable. We should give our parents some money so that we can all be happy. Money is for happiness, spend some of it to make us happy now. Save money slowly.

Events that happened in previous years, in the 7th year of marriage, the woman gave her mother 5,000 (the first time in 7 years), and the woman’s mother actively told the man. The man was very angry, saying that giving parents money in secret meant that we hadn’t stood up yet, so how could we give our parents money? Then he checked the woman’s Alipay and bank card statements. The woman bought a pirated game for 100 yuan and even argued with the seller on Taobao to get a refund.

Event that happened last year, the man gave his mother 20,000 (the second time giving money in 10 years), the man started telling his mother not to say anything. But the man was foolish and posted about it, and the woman found out. Then the woman started making a fuss. She believes that the woman’s parents gave us 600,000+, and the man is taking the money from the woman’s parents to give to the man’s parents, a major factor in the divorce crisis. Actually, I also said during the New Year, give my parents a little money to make them happy. I don’t mind if the woman’s parents give more. The money is in the woman’s hands, and the man wouldn’t know how much is given anyway. The woman firmly opposed (see my previous posts).

Now the man is asking to use the savings to pay back the man’s parents’ money, and the woman agreed, and also suggested whether the woman’s parents’ money should be paid back as well. The man suggested that the woman’s parents’ support is appropriate. Otherwise, why are the woman’s parents called grandparents? The current repayment plan has not yet been implemented.

The above events are all true, and some data may be biased due to lack of records. But the bias is limited, and the general direction remains unchanged.

Everyone, talk about your views on the woman’s husband giving money to his parents.

First supplement
1. Everyone says that the woman calculates too roughly and is too calculating. She handed over all her money for 10 years, and the man managed all the money. This time when calculating the money, it was also a rough estimate.
2. Everyone says to get a divorce, have you thought about life after divorce? The woman has to cook, wash dishes, and do housework herself. (Currently, cooking, washing dishes, and cleaning are mostly done by the man’s parents. On some Saturdays and Sundays, when the man’s parents return to their old home in the countryside, the woman cooks and the man cleans.) My relative said they would take me to their house to meet her. I thought it would be more comfortable to meet outside, but my relative said she would take the chance to see this best friend of hers, and told me not to feel burdened. After we went, her parents were very enthusiastic and said a lot to me, warmly welcoming me. On the contrary, he was more indifferent, not as enthusiastic as he was on WeChat.

Before returning, he told you that his parents really liked you and asked if you were willing to continue dating and see how it goes. You think it’s good to know each other so well, and he looks like a pretty honest person, so you agree to date. You meet every week, but every time you date, you don’t go anywhere else. He always suggests eating at his house and chatting in his room. He’s still enthusiastic in private, but when you go out to face his parents, he cools down and doesn’t talk, it’s just you talking to his parents.

After eating, he tells me to go home early, saying it’s not safe to be outside too late. He drops me off at the entrance of the residential complex but doesn’t take me home. I always have to take a taxi back myself, which feels very uncomfortable. But on WeChat, he often says my good points and says he likes me a lot.

Once, you specifically suggested eating outside. He said he had already told his mother that you would eat dinner at his house. You were a little angry, and he immediately changed his tone and asked you where you wanted to eat, saying that he often eats outside and doesn’t know where’s good. You told him to look on Dianping, but after a long time, he told you that he didn’t find anything good. You got a little angry. It was obvious that he didn’t want to eat outside, so you refused to meet. He didn’t try to persuade you to stay. After a while, he asked if you had gotten home.

I’m a bit conflicted about whether to continue this. I always feel that this relationship is very strange. He says he likes me, but I don’t feel it at all. He doesn’t even want to eat outside, is that normal? Is it necessary to continue dating?

His parents are really nice, very enthusiastic. Your relative also said that her best friend has a very good temper and is very kind. If you get married in the future, there definitely won’t be any mother-in-law/daughter-in-law conflicts. The rural areas of Hangzhou, like Xiaoshan, Linping, and Lao Yuhang, are mostly rented out, and the income is quite considerable. But if it’s the more remote Jiande, it’s a different story. The auntie at the door also said, “Things washed in the washing machine are fine too. Don’t be so delicate with the child.”

My Mother-in-law didn’t say a word the whole time, and my Husband said, “She’s just fussy, anyway she likes to do it, so let her do it.”

I wanted to argue a few words, regardless of my Mother-in-law’s feelings, and ask her why she couldn’t even wash a piece of clothing clean. But the clothes had already been washed clean by me, and the evidence was gone.

My Mother-in-law said she was helping me with chores, but she often makes me speechless. I have to redo everything. It looks like I’m looking down on the work she does, but who knows what she’s doing? She can’t even handle something like washing clothes!

After thinking about it, I shouldn’t care about my Mother-in-law’s feelings and make myself suffer. I should avoid chores with poop. Basically, I don’t do any housework. I do housework, and he plays on his phone and plays games. According to the housework schedule, I usually get up early and wash clothes, wipe the floor, and clean the room four to five times a week. He basically doesn’t help. He used to hang up clothes and fold clothes, but now he doesn’t even do that. I used to cook dinner and wash dishes for almost a year from 2011.9 to 2012.10. The prerequisite for cooking is that I buy, prepare, wash, and cut all the ingredients, and he stir-fries one or two dishes, and I cook the steamed dishes. Every year when the seasons change, he would vacuum and put away the clothes and bedding together.

The most uncomfortable thing is his attitude. When I do housework, if I say to him, “Let’s do it together,” he’ll get angry, stop playing on his phone, stop playing games, pack his bag, and go out. For a while, I paid for a cleaning lady, and he said, “It’s so expensive, just do it yourself.” This year during 618, I wanted to buy a robot vacuum and mop, and he said, “This kind of thing breaks easily, don’t buy it.” A few days ago, there was a little poop stuck on the toilet wall that couldn’t be flushed away. He still took comfortable poops every day without brushing it. I deliberately didn’t brush it off to see if he could stand it. In the end, I lost. I couldn’t stand having poop stuck on the toilet.

Just mentioned the loan from my parents. After I had some extra money, I used my salary to pay it back. I saved a little bit each month and paid it back when I reached 10,000, and paid back 150,000 in total.

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